Apologies in advance for writing this. No one wants to read about depression and its boring and repetitive self-destructive consequences. I have not been well in a long time, but today feels worse, though to be honest what triggered it is hardly anything worth caring about. But my head’s not willing to take a sensible view as usual. And to be honest, writing about it here is another self-destructive act as it will alienate readers while I am quite desperate for attention.
So, what caused this new “crisis”? The most stupid thing. Been flirting for a couple of weeks with an ex-colleague, nothing serious, just a few emails exchanged. I don’t even really know if I really care about him, but from experience I tend to get lost in games very quickly. Anyway, this guy told me today he has a hot date this weekend and my world collapsed. Told you it was completely stupid. I don’t think it’s really about him, I think it’s more about feeling rejected again. It really is nothing and just by putting it on the screen this way, a weight seems to have lifted from my heart, but as I’m barely keeping my head out of the water, it was just too much. And of course I made sure that he would never ever want to get in touch with me again after today. And when I told one of my very last friends about it, I managed to push her away again.
People advise me to get professional help, but I felt so let down by the health services when I was at my very worst that I don’t think I’ll ever trust them again. I am probably unfair, but I don’t think I’ll ever understand how it can be acceptable to tell someone that it is their last therapy session when within a few days they lost their job because of their disease, were left feeling that they were pushed out the door so they could die without other people having to think about them, spent a whole day with a knife in their hand and got incredibly close to losing their mind completely fighting between the clear knowledge that there was nothing else to do but to end it yet unable to do it due to incredibly strong survival instincts and ended up spending 3 days in a psychiatric ward because they were so scared of actually losing their mind. All of that after 3 months of therapy when a longer period was needed but had been advised to apply for 3 months to get into therapy earlier as the waiting lists for long therapies are so long, and with a mention that this could be extended once I got into it. And still had to wait 9 months to get those 3 short months, 9 months during which I destroyed everything I had. My first boyfriend, my job, my friends, I lost almost everything. Still managed to keep a roof over my head somehow. Still wish every day I had managed to end it then. I never really belonged anywhere. I have felt and hope I might still feel on occasion that a few people care about me. But I don’t understand how other people think, and they don’t understand how I think. I spend my days trying to fit in but after 39 years, if you still have no idea about who you are or what you’re doing here, what kind of hope is there for the next 39 years…
I’ve been destroying myself with food for the past few years, I hope I can be strong enough to start destroying myself losing weight. Just a last act of vanity. I really don’t feel like going to the gym tomorrow but I have an appointment so I’ll try and stick to it. And I might just try and let myself cry to sleep in the hope that it will help me feel better in the morning (not that it ever has before) to try again to pretend that I am ok and normal.
52 Weeks Challenges 