52 Challenges 2015 – Weekly Update 7

Another week of very slow progress – I will use the fact that I was abroad on a business trip for 3 days as an excuse but it doesn’t really justify anything as most of the challenges could have been pursued in the 4 days at home.  But there we go:

1. 52 Week Money Saving Challenge – £11 put aside this week for a total of £66.
2. Read 52 books in 52 weeks – Finally finished The Miniaturist by Jessie Burton.  No reason to have taken so long to read this book, I really enjoyed it and it was an easy read, just spent too much time doing nothing!  Although I feel some parts could have done with more developments, I also like the fact that they were left open to the imagination.  A great first novel in my opinion!
3. Declutter 52 items – nothing new this week.
4. 52 Weeks Decluttering My Inbox – empty inboxes + spent an hour on older emails.
5. Watch 52 movies from the “1001” list – I watched 1 movie this week: Double Indemnity – a “film noir” that was really enjoyable.  The way the film is narrated reminded of another more recent movie (from the 80s or 90s I think) but despite all my searches on the net, I cannot find the title, not sure who was in it and by the look of it I don’t remember the plot either…  try and get a successful search this way  🙂
6. 52 Days Without Contacts – one day wearing my glasses this week.
7. 52 Weeks Updating Blog – see this post!
8. 52 Weeks To Drink Water – drank 1 litre of water during the three days I was away and two glasses of plain water every other day this week.
9. Try 52 recipes – no new recipe tried this week. 
10. Finish 52 items in cross-stitch – Nothing new.
11. 52 weeks to lose 10.1kg – put 0.1 kg back on since last week, 0.5kg down from my original weight.  Not overly happy to have put weight back on, but considering that I ate a lot during the three days on business trip, plus having brought back and eaten quite a bit of chocolate too, I suppose it is not too bad a result.
12. 52 weeks exercising – exercised twice at the gym and once at the hotel for a very short time, but it was still exercise!

I have not started any new challenge for the past couple of weeks I believe so I will focus on getting some more on the way in the next week.

52 Challenges 2015 – Weekly Update 6

A very lazy week in terms of challenges.  Also I have not yet figured out how to organise myself with this exercise business.  And on the days I did not go to the gym, I was seriously lacking motivation.  A lot to work on in the future weeks to try and get where I want to.  So, here’s the summary of what happened this week:

1. 52 Week Money Saving Challenge – £10 put aside this week for a total of £55.
2. Read 52 books in 52 weeks – Same as last week, didn’t spend much time reading, still into The Miniaturist by Jessie Burton.
3. Declutter 52 items – nothing specific this week.
4. 52 Weeks Decluttering My Inbox –haven’t spent any time on my mailboxes this week.
5. Watch 52 movies from the “1001” list – did not watch any movie from the list.
6. 52 Days Without Contacts – one day wearing my glasses this week.
7. 52 Weeks Updating Blog – see this post!
8. 52 Weeks To Drink Water – drank two glasses of plain water every day this week.
9. Try 52 recipes – no new recipe tried this week. 
10. Finish 52 items in cross-stitch – Nothing new.
11. 52 weeks to lose 10.1kg – lost 1.1 kg since last week, 0.6kg down from my original weight.  Nice to see some improvement after the gain last week.  Didn’t eat very healthily but didn’t have any soda, had my coffee without sugar (and reduced the coffee), had porridge instead of pastries in the morning
12. 52 weeks exercising – exercised 3 times this week.

As I have not followed my planning at all this week, this will be something to focus on for next week… and hopefully get more of the above done!

52 Challenges 2015 – Weekly Update 5

Not a great week in terms of overall progress. Found it difficult to focus on a lot of the things I was planning to achieve due to the events in France and mental state. Anyway, there are some updates despite all, so there we go:

1. 52 Week Money Saving Challenge – £9 put aside this week for a total of £45.
2. Read 52 books in 52 weeks – Didn’t spend much time reading, still into The Miniaturist by Jessie Burton.
3. Declutter 52 items – nothing this week on this front.
4. 52 Weeks Decluttering My Inbox –empty inboxes and spent an hour on old emails.
5. Watch 52 movies from the “1001” list – surprisingly I managed to watch 5 movies from the list over the weekend.
   • Clueless – as stupid as it may be, it was still very funny and cute. Yes, I feel lonely and am craving stupid chick flicks…
   • Beverly Hills Cop – somehow I remembered it less serious than it is. Of course it is funny, but it is not all just silly. Obviously been a very long time since I last saw it. And enjoyed it actually, even though I am no big Eddie Murphy fan.
   • Clerks – I had never heard of this movie before, and it is probably not for everyone. I personally thought that a couple of scenes might go a bit too far, but overall it was a good laugh.
   • Pinocchio – oh wow! Another one taking me back to my childhood (wasn’t born when it came out though…). Simply loved it.
   • Frenzy – funny how with some movies, you never remember the ending and are surprised by it every single time! I must have last watched the DVD two years ago and yet I still thought it would end differently. It looks its age, mainly because of the hairdos, but it’s still tense and the theme is sadly still current – I still laugh at the sticking tongues though… as inappropriate as it may be!
6. 52 Days Without Contacts – one day wearing my glasses this week.
7. 52 Weeks Updating Blog – see this post!
8. 52 Weeks To Drink Water – drank at least one glass of plain water every day this week. Will try and repeat next week before increasing the volume per day. Note: I do not take into account any water drunk during or after exercising.
9. Try 52 recipes – no new recipe tried this week.  I have actually not cooked at all… Sandwiches and pizzas have been the basis of my diet this week (plus leftovers from the pasta cooked last week).
10. Finish 52 items in cross-stitch – Nothing on this front at all.
11. 52 weeks to lose 10.1kg – that’s quite an epic fail for the first week… Put 0.5kg on… It would not have been unexpected based on the fact that I ate a lot of cake (that I was asked to bake and then hardly anyone ate any of it… was not going to let it go to waste!) and a lot of cheese, and a lot of chocolate as I wanted to eat as much of what I had left from the holidays as possible, so as to avoid future temptations. What just made this weight gain completely unexpected is that I had an MOT at the gym on Friday and even with my clothes on, their scale showed a weight 4 kg lighter than mine! And despite all I have had, I don’t think I ate 4 kg worth of food in two days! So this is a major blow because our scales are completely different. I guess next time I’ll weigh myself when coming home from an MOT, at least I won’t expect any miracles at the end of the week!
12. 52 weeks exercising – exercised 4 times this week.
    • Monday, I had an induction, was shown the various machines and what we do on them (gym-virgin), stayed on and exercised for about 25 min
    • Tuesday, exercised for about 30 min
    • Friday, exercised 25 min after my MOT
    • Saturday, had an appointment to design a programme for me, which is a bit more intensive than what I had done on my own, despite the fact that it is still very basic…  My programme includes the following:
      • Warm up on the bike – 5-10 min at the speed and level I choose
      • Leg press – 4 sets of 12-15
      • Chest press – 3 sets of 10
      • Shoulder press – 3 sets of 10
      • Seated row – 3 sets of 10
      • Lateral pull down – 3 sets of 10
      • Leg raises – 3 sets of 10-15
      • Plank – 3 times 30sec-1min
      • Cross-trainer – 20 min at level 4 at a speed of 8.0
    • What I actually did: 7½min B, 4×15 LP, 3×10 CP, 3×10 SP, 3×10 SR, 3×10 LPD, 3×10 LR, 3x30sec P, 13min level 2 CT – my legs could not follow at that point so I stopped. Hopefully will get better next time.

Another thing I want to start focusing on seriously is having a clear schedule for my cleaning and sticking to it. This will require some better planning to manage it around the evenings at the gym as I know myself better than to expect any chores to be completed after exercising (at least until I’m more used to it!).

That’s all folks – hope you are well and happy!

The joys of depression

Apologies in advance for writing this.  No one wants to read about depression and its boring and repetitive self-destructive consequences.  I have not been well in a long time, but today feels worse, though to be honest what triggered it is hardly anything worth caring about.  But my head’s not willing to take a sensible view as usual.  And to be honest, writing about it here is another self-destructive act as it will alienate readers while I am quite desperate for attention.

So, what caused this new “crisis”?  The most stupid thing.  Been flirting for a couple of weeks with an ex-colleague, nothing serious, just a few emails exchanged.  I don’t even really know if I really care about him, but from experience I tend to get lost in games very quickly.  Anyway, this guy told me today he has a hot date this weekend and my world collapsed.  Told you it was completely stupid.  I don’t think it’s really about him, I think it’s more about feeling rejected again.  It really is nothing and just by putting it on the screen this way, a weight seems to have lifted from my heart, but as I’m barely keeping my head out of the water, it was just too much.  And of course I made sure that he would never ever want to get in touch with me again after today.  And when I told one of my very last friends about it, I managed to push her away again.

People advise me to get professional help, but I felt so let down by the health services when I was at my very worst that I don’t think I’ll ever trust them again.  I am probably unfair, but I don’t think I’ll ever understand how it can be acceptable to tell someone that it is their last therapy session when within a few days they lost their job because of their disease, were left feeling that they were pushed out the door so they could die without other people having to think about them, spent a whole day with a knife in their hand and got incredibly close to losing their mind completely fighting between the clear knowledge that there was nothing else to do but to end it yet unable to do it due to incredibly strong survival instincts and ended up spending 3 days in a psychiatric ward because they were so scared of actually losing their mind.  All of that after 3 months of therapy when a longer period was needed but had been advised to apply for 3 months to get into therapy earlier as the waiting lists for long therapies are so long, and with a mention that this could be extended once I got into it.  And still had to wait 9 months to get those 3 short months, 9 months during which I destroyed everything I had.  My first boyfriend, my job, my friends, I lost almost everything.  Still managed to keep a roof over my head somehow.  Still wish every day I had managed to end it then.  I never really belonged anywhere.  I have felt and hope I might still feel on occasion that a few people care about me.  But I don’t understand how other people think, and they don’t understand how I think.  I spend my days trying to fit in but after 39 years, if you still have no idea about who you are or what you’re doing here, what kind of hope is there for the next 39 years…

I’ve been destroying myself with food for the past few years, I hope I can be strong enough to start destroying myself losing weight.  Just a last act of vanity.  I really don’t feel like going to the gym tomorrow but I have an appointment so I’ll try and stick to it.  And I might just try and let myself cry to sleep in the hope that it will help me feel better in the morning (not that it ever has before) to try again to pretend that I am ok and normal.

Je suis Charlie

My thoughts are with the families and friends of the fallen at Charlie Hebdo in Paris today.

I am French and it saddens me to learn that Cabu, who was part of my childhood with his caricatures on a children’s TV programme, lost his life with another 11 people.

What kind of world do we now live in that I am not really surprised by this attack by extremists against a satirical paper…  What worries me most right now is that this event will probably accelerate the FN’s (far right party) access to many more places of political power.  I left France because I felt that it was far too narrow-minded and unaccepting of other cultures and thoughts.  Racism has grown exponentially since then – I cannot talk to my own family about any subject that approaches “foreigners” or differences in religion as it inevitably ends up in very bad arguments.  And although there is no doubt that violence in the name of Islam is an act of extremists only, I fear that racism and rejection of differences will only grow in France following today’s attack.  Which in turn will push more vulnerable people to follow extremist views.  The only outlook I can imagine for the country that originally stood for liberty – yet in my opinion is partly responsible for the current situation – is civil war.  Or concentration camps…

I realise that this event is a very sad one, yet I couldn’t help being quite sarcastic upon reading on the BBC headlines at some point that the US offered their help to France…  Sure, we definitely want you to help France like you helped Irak or Afghanistan…  And I cannot remember hearing this kind of comments when dozens of students are killed by another student because America gives the freedom to own firearms…  How many times has this happened in the last 20 years?  Has anything been done?  Yet, when it comes to Islamists, they want to help straight away.  And then people wonder why extremism grows…

I do not plan on making this blog political in any kind of way, I just needed to share some of my thoughts on the back of the terrible events of today.

Challenge 12 – 52 weeks exercising

Today I had an induction at my local gym.  First time I’ve ever been in a gym and my main worry is to remember what each machine is for and how to use them all!  But I guess there will be other people using them too in turn so I should be able to look at what they do, plus I’ll be able to find staff members if the explanations on the machines still don’t help me remember!  🙂 I also have an appointment on Friday for an “MOT” to take my measurements and hopefully notice some progress in a few months time.  And I also booked myself for a programme session on Saturday which, if I understood correctly, should help me design a workout routine.  Because, let’s face it, when you have never been to a gym before and you see all this equipment, it is a little bit overwhelming and you don’t know where to start (well, at least for me!).  But I can definitely see the advantages of going regularly and doing different kinds of exercise. After my induction, I stayed on and exercised a little bit.  I got a feeling that even though it was short, I might feel it tomorrow, but it’s all good!  I did only the following: walking 10 min, then 7min on the leg press machine and then 11 min on the cross-trainer.  But I think just trying out the various machines has already reminded some muscles in my arms that they are still there!  At some point I might consider trying to run… but as I told the trainer – who accepted after my explanation that I might be better off just walking at a good speed – the last time I ran to catch my bus, I fell over and ended up with 5 stitches on the elbow!  🙂 Well, this exercise business might even help me sleep at more reasonable hours!  I feel exhausted! So, to summarise this first exercise session, I am excited about the prospects, a bit overwhelmed too, a bit worried, but also looking forward to trying more stuff and adding a couple of classes if I can! The plan for now is to exercise at least three times a week.  For now the most important thing will be to achieve this, irrespective of lengths of sessions or intensity of the workouts.  Just getting into the habit of exercising regularly is the first thing I need to achieve.  I shall keep a running record of my (non-running) workouts on this page and in my weekly updates emails.

Week 1:

• Workout 1: exercised 25min
• Workout 2: 20 min
• Workout 3: 30 min
• Workout 4: Prog 1: 7½min B, 4×15 LP, CP, SP, SR, LPD, 3×10 LR, 3x30sec P, 13min CT level 2

Programme 1:

• Warm up on the bike (B)– 5-10 min at the speed and level I choose
• Leg press (LP) – 4 sets of 12-15
• Chest press (CP) – 3 sets of 10
• Shoulder press (SP) – 3 sets of 10
• Seated row (SR) – 3 sets of 10
• Lateral pull down (LPD) – 3 sets of 10
• Leg raises (LR) – 3 sets of 10-15
• Plank (P) – 3 times 30sec-1min
• Cross-trainer (CT) – 20 min at level 4 at a speed of 8.0

Week 2: Having “felt” my calves quite a lot on Sunday and Monday and considering how much my biceps were hurting on Monday, I decided to lower the weights I used last week (15 kg) to 10 kg and to do for now the minimum recommended by the trainer.  Whilst it kind of feels that some of it is far too easy, I prefer to start low and increase if I cope with it rather than possibly get an injury.

• Tuesday: Prog 1: 5min B, 4×12 LP, CP, SP, SR, LPD, 3×10 LR, 3x30sec P, 20min CT level 1 – yeah, finished the 20 min!  🙂  (I did get confused by the machines again though and didn’t do it all in the right order…)
• Thursday: Prog 1: 5min B, 4×12 LP, CP, 1×10 1×9 1×8 1x3SP, SR, LPD, 3×10 LR, 3x30sec P, 20min CT level 2
• Saturday: Prog 1: 5 min B, 4×15 LP, 10kg CP, 7.5kg SP, 10kg SR, 9.5kgx2 LPD, 3×10 LR, 3x35sec P, 20 min CT level 3

Week 3: Was on business trip from Tuesday to Thursday, which disturbed my schedule a bit.

• Tuesday: at the hotel “gym”: 5 min B, 8 min CT
• Friday: Prog 1: 5 min B, 4×15 LP, 10kg CP, 7.5kg SP, 12.5kg SR, 9.5kgx2 LPD, 3×10 LR, 3x40sec P, 20 min CT level 4
• Saturday: Prog 1: 10 min B, 12.5kg 4×15 LP, 10kg CP, 7.5kg SP, 12.5kg SR, 9.5kgx2 LPD, 3×10 LR, 3x45sec P, 20 min CT level 4

Week 4:

• Monday: Prog 1: 10min B (4.16km), 12.5kg LP 4×15, 10kg CP 2×10 + 12.5kg 1×10, 7.5kg SP 3×10, 12.5kg SR 2×10 + 15kg 1×10, 9.5kgx2 LPD 2×10 + 13kgx2 1×10, 3×15 LR, 3x50sec P, 20 min CT level 4 3.2km

Challenge 11 – 52 weeks to lose 10.1kg

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear…  Getting on that scale was something I wasn’t looking forward to, and it is all but nice to see those numbers…

Based on my BMI, I have been overweight for at least 6 months (that was the last time I had been on a scale, and I have no idea when I had weighed myself before that).  It is now really bad, with a weight of 82.10 kg…  That is by far the heaviest I have ever been, and it shows.  My clothes are tight, my knees hurt, and I look fat.  I am not obese and I am sure some people would still think me thin-ish, but considering that this is only fat and hardly any muscle, it isn’t good.

When I moved to England 12 years ago, I weight 63 kg.  Yes, almost 20 kg / 40 lbs / 3 stones less.  Realistically, the chances of me ever getting back to 63 kg are very slim.  I noticed around the age of 30 that my body started finding it much more difficult to get rid of the occasional extras.  Unfortunately since then the extras have been the norm and more.  So my goal would be to get back to 67 kg.

This year, I will work towards losing 10.1 kg to get to 72 kg.  I was originally planning to lose about 7 kg but I still want to hope that some of my current weight is associated to the holidays and can be lost quickly, therefore I put my goal up to 10.1 kg.  7 would still make me happy if that’s all I can achieve by the end of the year!  🙂

This will require drastic changes in my lifestyle.  On the nutrition side, I suppose checking my calorie intake would be good, but when you have croissants / cakes for breakfast, eat chocolate and cheese and drink full fat sodas all day long, you don’t need to count to know what is bringing the weight up…  On that front, I will need a few weeks before I can really improve my diet as I still have quite a lot of cheese in the fridge…  I also have chocolate, but that can be kept for one-off occasions (or at least not all day long treatment)!  Plus I was asked to bake some “galettes des rois” (cakes of the kings) for the Epiphany.  I made a couple today – and somehow managed to buy the wrong pastry, realising it only two minutes before taking the second cake out of the oven…  🙂  Oh well…  will still bring it into the office, but also enjoy some, so that will be some more damage to come…

From an activity point of view, I went for a 4.7 miles walk this week.  I was thinking of starting my walking challenge later in the year as I wanted to reach walking 52 miles in the 52nd week (not in one go though at this point), but I would not do this in the winter, hence starting later.  I was also looking at zumba classes organised in my village.  There are two sessions per week, but I would probably be able to attend only one due to the traffic on the way home.  And then, with my depression, I know it will be incredibly easy to have a down day and not go, and then I would not exercise at all, a continuation of the current situation.  So today I signed up with a gym.  This is my first time – I always thought it is money thrown out of the window and that it is possible to keep in shape without spending so much.  But I do need help to get me motivated and on track and I hope that the variety of equipment and classes will help me exercise without getting too bored.  I have an appointment tomorrow night to get some advice on the exercises I should start with.

I will give updates on my journey via the weekly updates and add them onto this page too.  Wish me luck!

Starting point: 82.1 kg

1. 11th Jan 2015: 82.6 kg – very big disappointment as the scale at the gym a couple of days earlier showed 4 kg less than my scale.  Now I know that it’s just a difference in scales…  Otherwise, not a surprise as I tried to “finish up” the cheese, chocolates and cakes from the holidays…
2. 18th Jan 2015: 81.5 kg – nice to see some improvement after the gain last week.  Didn’t eat very healthily but didn’t have any soda, had my coffee without sugar (and reduced the coffee), had porridge instead of pastries in the morning.
3. 25th Jan 2015: 81.6 kg – obviously not good to have put 0.1 kg back on, but considering how much I ate over the three days I was away on business and the chocolate I ate too, it is not too bad a result.

52 Challenges 2015 – Weekly Update 4

Here is this week’s summary:

1. 52 Week Money Saving Challenge – £8 put aside this week for a total of £36.
2. Read 52 books in 52 weeks – I finished The Children of Men by P.D. James. Way better than the movie of the same name! It is actually because I did not like the film that I wanted to read the original novel. I am now reading The Miniaturist by Jessie Burton.
3. Declutter 52 items – I sent the book The Children of Men out to a fellow bookcrosser.
4. 52 Weeks Decluttering My Inbox – my inboxes are empty and I spent some time clearing old emails.
5. Watch 52 movies from the “1001” list – I watched 4 movies this week – after the feast of last week, I feel like I have had an overdose and have not even bothered taping all the movies I originally wanted to watch!

Slumdog Millionaire – such an inspiring movie, though re-watching it made me think that it is very Westernised. Always love the Bollywood bit at the end – and as I do not normally really enjoy Bollywood movies, it is another proof that the movie was aimed at Western audiences…

Forrest Gump – had only seen it once before and had found it overrated, but I did enjoy it this time. And I was very surprised to see Haley Joel Osment (The 6^th Sense) at the end of it! That is one of the things that makes me enjoy re-watching older movies!

The Searchers – and another cowboy movie… so many on the list! But quite enjoyable!

Total Recall – that took me back a few years! I have not seen the new version and I’m happy about it. There is nothing like those sci-fi movies from the 80-90s. Women hairdos and special effects, gotta love them! The special effects are actually pretty good, the most hilarious ones are the pressure effect ones – nothing like bulging eyes!  🙂

In-between typing this update I watched Bambi – not on the 1001 list – hadn’t seen it in probably 30-35 years and oh my, what a re-discovery!  I remembered parts of it, but not that it is so amazingly cute, funny and educational! I fell completely in love with it and laughed so much it was ridiculous!  🙂

6. 52 Days Without Contacts – one day wearing my glasses this week.
7. 52 Weeks Updating Blog – see this post!
8. 52 Weeks To Drink Water – drank a glass of plain water five days this week – managed to keep up with last week. Trying to make it a real habit!
9. Try 52 recipes – tried one new recipe this week: pasta puttanesca, it was ok. Nothing transcending, but low calorie!
10. Finish 52 items in cross-stitch – I finished the cross stitch for a friend’s baby’s birth… over a year ago… It is going in the post tomorrow! Photos here.

Another couple of pictures from my book-tree:

That’s all for now – wishing everyone a lovely week!